Survivor - Preschool Edition

Preschool isn't for sissies. Hidden beneath ringlets of curls and never-ending dimples is a harsh world that devours those who enter unprepared. Substitute teachers are a favorite snack, and few who enter once return for a second appearance. They underestimate my little ones and are entranced by the cute factor, completely missing the devilish undertones that crop up whenever there is a new person to exploit. Exploitation of new people is an art form for the preschool child, and while watching the performance of testing each and every limit and boundary can be quite entertaining, participating in the enforcement of said limits and boundaries every single time a new person is introduced can be arduous. Sure, the rules apply with the teacher....but does the assistant know ALL of the rules? What about the OTHER assistant? The therapist? The Other therapist? The Other Other therapist? Can you see where this is going? Like bloodhounds drawn to the scent of a target, my children are drawn to two things - fear and inconsistency. If you are scared of them they will rip you apart like a school of piranhas, joyfully destroying any confidence or enjoyment of teaching young children that you may have brought along that day. should they find you to be inconsistent, they will swarm you like little old ladies at the nickel slot machines constantly pushing buttons until there is a reward. Every so often they like to be thrown some fresh meat to play with, which is nice because every so often I succumb to their incredible ability to breed indestructible germs, and so I offer up to them a substitute for a day or two to toy with and in exchange we maintain some level of peace. They also continually like to test the boundaries of their peers, just to make sure that the line established yesterday is still the line for today. I like to allow learning by natural consequences whenever possible, so I will allow a child to learn many things this way as long as there is no real chance of bloodshed or injury (the paperwork that comes with blood!! Oh the paperwork!! Besides, I am trying to civilize the cute little creatures - we even use utensils on Fork Fridays!). For the first time this school year, I offered them fresh meat on Thursday courtesy of the invincible super flu that never ends, and the substitute not only successfully wrangled them but seems no worse for the experience. She even seemed willing to re-enter our classroom without promises of fabulous prizes. I am in awe! Either I have civilized my children, or she has done the nearly impossible, or a bit of both. My class is the place where substitutes go to be reminded that the other classes really are not that bad after all - which I feel is a shame because once we are done testing someone, my kids are amazing and incredible people with the best personalties and spirits. True, we have our issues (cursing, biting, wetting our pants), but who doesn't? We finally found a substitute that we didn't break! Unfortunately, I think this might mean that their appetite for fresh meat was not fully satisfied and I may need to come up with a new offering soon or face the wrath of unappeased preschoolers.