Perfectly Imperfect

One of the greatest gifts of humanity is that of imagination, the ability to look beyond the situation and see what could be, what might be, what is possible, or even what may see impossible but wonderful. Imagination allows all progress to occur, it allows for innovation and invention, it allows for creativity and art, it creates opportunity for reflection, it offers beautiful escapes. It shapes friends for young children, dream worlds, wishes that we hang upon stars, goals that we strive for, worlds that we long to create, and an ideal of how we can make a difference. Yet with imagination comes a darker side, the ability to look at a situation and imagine all of the possible different outcomes, to ask over and over the two word question that can rip apart the soul, "what if?". We can spend our entire lives imagining "what if" things had been different, "what if" one event had been changed, "what if" this or that had never happened. I used to imagine what my life would be like if I had been born healthy, with every gene perfectly in place and every cell programmed to work exactly as designed. "What if" I had never experienced repeated periods of severe oxygen deprivation as an infant? "What if" I did not have dysautonomia, juvenile onset SLE, ataxia, etc.? "What if?" I had not been the child that was always slower at physical activities, that sometimes actually wished that the hidden medical differences were somehow physically apparent so that others could better understand, that was intimately familiar with hospitals and doctors offices? In my heart I rebelled against "being different" and detested that which I felt made me so, even as I was drawn to and adored the differences in others. As I have grown older I have realized that trying to imagine my life without these characteristics is virtually impossible. It is like trying to imagine a world in which you exist but you are a stranger to yourself. From where I am now, I realize that in order to become the exact person that I am, in order to be able to offer the exact set of skills and insights in my work as a teacher and in my life, in order to have the appreciation of life and the awareness of its incredible fragility, I could not have traveled any other path. As strange as it may sound to anyone else, I am thankful for the exact experiences that I have had, for the exact way that God has made me, and for the fact that I was made perfectly imperfect. That does not mean that I do not become frustrated at times with the limitations of my body, with the seemingly endless medical tests and appointments and medications, and with the conflict between the desire of my heart and the function of my body. There are times when it seems overwhelming, or when it seems like almost any other way would be easier. But no other way other than the one I have already traveled could have lead to where I am now, to who I am now, which I would not sacrifice for anything. Even though the journey has been and most likely will be incredibly difficult at times, I can say with certainty that the views along the way are breathtaking, the companions you meet life changing, the wisdom you gain beyond expectation, and the destination worth any sacrifice. So instead of following my imagination along the endless loop of what if, I have discovered that I am incredibly thankful and proud of the fact that I was created absolutely perfectly imperfect.