Grits

Where I grew up, grits were not considered a food. I had vaguely heard of them as something consumed elsewhere in the country and considered them as one would consider the eating of monkey brains by other cultures, with a combination of repulsion and awe. I am unsure if any of the grocery stores that I shopped in during my childhood sold grits, but I am convinced that if they did these items were kept in some dark and dank corner that I never ventured into because my young and impressionable eyes never viewed such things. It was not until moving south for college that I beheld all that is grits, and was instantly disgusted. To my Yankee brain, grits are millimeters removed from wallpaper paste and that is after much effort to hide their gritness. Given the choice, I may just choose the wallpaper paste. So yesterday I was feeding one of my little ones not just grits, but this awful invention called cheese grits which meant that the already nasty product had been turned pumpkin-glowing-in-the-dark orange. It violated every rule of nature, and a few international laws. He was enjoying this awful substitute for nutrition and had just been given another big spoonful of glowing sin when it happened. I could see it coming when his little nose scrunched and twitched, but had no time to take evasive measures. With a mouth full of one of the most disgusting food substances, he sneezed. But before sneezing he made sure to turn so that he was facing me completely, because otherwise some of the flying grit projectiles might have just missed me and that would have been a disaster. It was something out of the worst horror movie, a shower of brilliant orange particles of grits raining down and spraying out at me. When I shrieked in disgust, he laughed. As I muttered while trying to pick grits out of my hair and wipe it off of my face, he laughed harder. If I did not despise grits before, I would after that. I cursed whoever discovered the existence of grits as I tried to comb them out of my hair and then wash them out in the shower. Now grits are no longer just a disgusting, inhumane food item but they are evil personified. Grits, be warned...I will seek revenge.